There are a plethora of ways to annoy people with gum. Gum may be one of the most annoying substances known to man. Everyone has a different style of chewing gum:
1. The Camel. This is when someone opens there mouth widely and chews in a circular, or figure eight motion. It usually makes a disgusting smacking noise as the chew.
2. The Mentally Challenged Horse. When chewing the chewer constantly juts their jaw out to the same side repeatedly. It makes there face take an odd shape the resembles a horse. What makes it look like a mentally challenged horse is when the chewer thrust their tongue to the same side every time as well.
3. The Gum Puller. This is one of the most disgusting. The chewer pulls a strand of gum from their mouth and wraps it around their finger, the pulls even farther creating a long droopy string that is then deposited back in the mouth of the chewer, taking all the lovely germs with them.
4. The Jack Hammer. This isn't so much disgusting, as it is distracting. The chewer moves their jaw up and down at a lightening speed. It always seems like this person is sitting right at in the corner of you eye, so you can always be distracted by the constant movement.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
How Rivalries Evolve
Elementary School:
There is a new girl at school, the teacher's seating chart indicates that she has to sit at your table. You liked you table how it was, you were sitting with the cutest guys in all of fourth grade, but now there is an intrusion. Things go okay at first she seems nice, you all are laughing and having a good time. But then the girl turns nasty, she wants all the attention from the boys, and she starts to say mean things, the boys are seeming to buy it. You can't let them. But then you remember, you are a little girl, and crying is perfectly acceptable. You burst into tears and walk to the teacher, and tell her what the nasty new girl said. The teacher sighs and takes the new girl in the hallway and has a talk with her. You go back to your table where the cute boys are sympathetically waiting for you. They give you big hugs right as the new girl is returning.
Middle School:
The New Girl had moved away, but she came back again. You thought you had gotten rid of her for good, but suddenly your life is a lot more complicated. You avoid her at all costs, you are a week little middle-schooler and confrontation is terrifying. You don't talk to her the entire three years. Even though it's terrible, you silently rejoice when people make fun of her ridiculous platinum blond hair that she most likely dyed herself. When people say it looks like her head is glowing, you are just on top of the world. Finally in eighth grade she moves away again, you praise the lord for your good fortune, and go on with out having to dodge the evil New Girl.
High School:
You walk into class in a new term, and see the New Girl sitting there, right up front. You haven't thought of her in years, now all the anger comes flooding back. She spots you and smiles. You don't know what to do! You can't avoid her any longer. You walk over. She says, "Hey! Do you remember me?" You reply, "Of course I remember you!" trying to keep your voice friendly, it just barely succeeds. You talk for a little while longer, trying to keep the conversation as short as possible. So this is how it's going to be, you think, we're going to be fake friends.
There is a new girl at school, the teacher's seating chart indicates that she has to sit at your table. You liked you table how it was, you were sitting with the cutest guys in all of fourth grade, but now there is an intrusion. Things go okay at first she seems nice, you all are laughing and having a good time. But then the girl turns nasty, she wants all the attention from the boys, and she starts to say mean things, the boys are seeming to buy it. You can't let them. But then you remember, you are a little girl, and crying is perfectly acceptable. You burst into tears and walk to the teacher, and tell her what the nasty new girl said. The teacher sighs and takes the new girl in the hallway and has a talk with her. You go back to your table where the cute boys are sympathetically waiting for you. They give you big hugs right as the new girl is returning.
Middle School:
The New Girl had moved away, but she came back again. You thought you had gotten rid of her for good, but suddenly your life is a lot more complicated. You avoid her at all costs, you are a week little middle-schooler and confrontation is terrifying. You don't talk to her the entire three years. Even though it's terrible, you silently rejoice when people make fun of her ridiculous platinum blond hair that she most likely dyed herself. When people say it looks like her head is glowing, you are just on top of the world. Finally in eighth grade she moves away again, you praise the lord for your good fortune, and go on with out having to dodge the evil New Girl.
High School:
You walk into class in a new term, and see the New Girl sitting there, right up front. You haven't thought of her in years, now all the anger comes flooding back. She spots you and smiles. You don't know what to do! You can't avoid her any longer. You walk over. She says, "Hey! Do you remember me?" You reply, "Of course I remember you!" trying to keep your voice friendly, it just barely succeeds. You talk for a little while longer, trying to keep the conversation as short as possible. So this is how it's going to be, you think, we're going to be fake friends.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Egyptian Fish God
His name is Rem. In ancient Egyptian mythology he is known to fertilize the land with his tears. But why is he crying? I've decided to become a hard hitting undercover journalist to find out.
First I typed "Why is Rem crying?" It turns out that some British dude conducted a survey that found the song that makes men cry the most. His results came up with the song Everybody hurts by R.E.M. You can watch this music video here. It such a quinkydink that the group that makes people cry has a name related to the fish that cries! I think ancient Egyptian mythology has had this planned since the beginning. I smell a conspiracy theory!
First I typed "Why is Rem crying?" It turns out that some British dude conducted a survey that found the song that makes men cry the most. His results came up with the song Everybody hurts by R.E.M. You can watch this music video here. It such a quinkydink that the group that makes people cry has a name related to the fish that cries! I think ancient Egyptian mythology has had this planned since the beginning. I smell a conspiracy theory!
Dragonfly and Billy Madison
Dragonfly (2002) is listed as a suspense movie. But it scared the poop out of me. Maybe it's because I'm easily scared, but this movie is all about near death experiences and creepy symbols. The main characters dead wife is trying to contact him throughout the movie. I would definitely recommend this movie. It's a movie that both teenagers and adults can enjoy, and my grandma informed me that she thinks Kevin Costner (who plays Dr. Joe Darrow) is very hot, so maybe watch it with your grandma :).
Billy Madison is one of those movies that is always quoted. Maybe most often is "T-t-t-today Junior!" If you haven't seen this movie, do it now, it is hilarious. This is one of my favorite quotes:
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
Also:
I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out
3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy Madison: YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go
Billy Madison is one of those movies that is always quoted. Maybe most often is "T-t-t-today Junior!" If you haven't seen this movie, do it now, it is hilarious. This is one of my favorite quotes:
Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.
Also:
I kinda feel like an idiot sometimes. Although I am an idiot, so it kinda works out
3rd Grader: Hey look everybody, Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison: Of course I peed my pants, everyone my age pees their pants. It's the coolest.
3rd Grader: Really?
Billy Madison: YES. You ain't cool, unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader: Hey look, Ernie peed his pants too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison: OOH. That was the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life. Let's Go
How My Mother Would Solve the World's Problems
1. Gaza Strip.
She would march right up to the warring leaders and say "I don't care who started it, but it's mine until you can work this out." Then she would pluck the Gaza strip right from them, and put it on top of the fridge (a very large fridge) so that they could see it, but not touch it. My mother did this with many a Barbie when I was a little girl.
2. Earthquake in Japan
"I don't care who made the mess, you're all going to clean it up. Who spilled this radioactive iodine! How many times have I told you not to bring that here! You can't do anything else until this is all clean."
3. To the burners of the Quran and the protesters in Afghanistan.
Once again "I don't care who started it" (this is a common statement for mothers, and I think it would be a helpful thing in world affairs, because you shouldn't be concern about who started it, more about getting it to stop.) Then she would say "Go to your rooms, and I will come talk to you." The involved parties would wait solemnly in fear. My mother comes in, and explains what they did wrong. She will not leave until they aplogize profusely and sincerely, it can be a long painful process or an easy one. My mother is very good at making people feel guilty, as most mothers are. "It makes me feel worthless when you fight." She'd say. Obviously you don't want to make such a nice woman feel bad, suddenly what you were fighting about doesn't seem so important. The too sides of the argument come out of there rooms and are emotionally burn out, they reluctantly apolgize and hug, then act like nothing happened.
4. Charlie Sheen
I think my mother could break even him. She'd say "I'm disappointed in you Charlie"
Charlie would say "You shouldn't be, because I'm winning!"
My mother would shake her head. "You know (insert younger person who means a lot to Charlie here) really looks up to you, and you wouldn't want them doing the same things you did."
Charlie "Oh my god no! They could never handle the amount of cocaine I took, because I have tiger blood! Maybe I should stop being an asshole!" Ta da! Problem solved.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Gone Viral
In 1989 the following memo was sent out to IBM Engineers:
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
This Memo is still circulating today, due to it's obvious sexual innuendos.
The next E-mail gone Viral is The Bill Gates Beta Test,
Here is one version of that Email:
Subject: FW: Microsoft and AOL merger
Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1999
I'm forwarding a forwarded message...read on, it it works you may get $$ from Microsoft. Certainly Bill has enough to share-maybe today we'll be blessed financially!
I am forwarding this because the person who sent it to me is a good friend and does not send me junk. Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet company and in an effort make sure that Internet explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test. When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (if you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period. For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $5.00, for every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $3.00 and for every third person that receives it, you will be paid $1.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a check. I thought this was a scam myself, but two weeks after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on, Microsoft contacted me for my e-mail and within days, I received a check for $800.00
This email has been in circulation since 1997. This shows how gullible Americans are. Over 10 years, and this is still around!
The shake weight has also gone viral. Videos like the one below have millions of views, just for the sheer comedy of how it looks when it's used. According to Wikipedia "Infomercial clips of the modified dumbbell have gone viral as a result of the product's comically sexual suggestive nature."
"Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."
This Memo is still circulating today, due to it's obvious sexual innuendos.
The next E-mail gone Viral is The Bill Gates Beta Test,
Here is one version of that Email:
Subject: FW: Microsoft and AOL merger
Date: Fri, 24 Sep 1999
I'm forwarding a forwarded message...read on, it it works you may get $$ from Microsoft. Certainly Bill has enough to share-maybe today we'll be blessed financially!
I am forwarding this because the person who sent it to me is a good friend and does not send me junk. Microsoft and AOL are now the largest Internet company and in an effort make sure that Internet explorer remains the most widely used program, Microsoft and AOL are running an e-mail beta test. When you forward this e-mail to friends, Microsoft can and will track it (if you are a Microsoft Windows user) for a two week time period. For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you $5.00, for every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft will pay you $3.00 and for every third person that receives it, you will be paid $1.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for your address and then send you a check. I thought this was a scam myself, but two weeks after receiving this e-mail and forwarding it on, Microsoft contacted me for my e-mail and within days, I received a check for $800.00
This email has been in circulation since 1997. This shows how gullible Americans are. Over 10 years, and this is still around!
The shake weight has also gone viral. Videos like the one below have millions of views, just for the sheer comedy of how it looks when it's used. According to Wikipedia "Infomercial clips of the modified dumbbell have gone viral as a result of the product's comically sexual suggestive nature."
My personal favorite Viral ads are the Old Spice commercials.
There are tons of these ads on YouTube, some only a few seconds long, which add to the hilarity. One of the most famous lines from these commercials is "I'm on a horse."
The game Line Rider is one of the most popular internet games to date.
You can play this game at Linerider.com. I remember in middle school this all people did when we had time in the computer lab. Many schools have blocked the game, do to the obvious distraction of students.
The photos entitled "Bert is Evil" have become wildly popular. Look below, and have a chuckle.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Tandem Bikes
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| http://www.40kradio.com/archives/1135 |
Or they seem romantic.
They're not. They're terrifying. My neighbors rented a tandem bike a few years ago, and rode it up to our driveway. They rang our doorbell, and when we opened the door, we were very excited to see this mutant bicycle in our driveway. My neighbor asked me if I wanted to ride on the back of it. I did, and I think I screamed in his ear the entire time. The first thing we did, was roll down our steep drive way, then took a sharp turn to the right onto the road. The bike tipped precariously and righted itself at the last possible moment. My neighbor kept pedaling faster and faster, I had no choice but to hang on and hope for the best. At the end of the road he made another sharp turn to go back up the road. I screamed some more. I yelled "let me off, let me off." He laughed and steered the bike back up the driveway. I leaped off and thanked god for my life.
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